I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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