Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
