Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
