While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
