Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
