I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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