I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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