Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
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