I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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