just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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