You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Im part way to drunk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
