hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
