you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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