allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
