I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
