dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
