I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
