I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
