I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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