Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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