i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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