so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
