I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
