so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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