I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
