I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
