I just gift wrapped bread.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
