"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
