When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
operation have a gay friend backfired
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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