I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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