Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
