We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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