I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
