I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
