Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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