I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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