I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
