Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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