Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
