Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
