I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
