I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
