Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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