dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
