Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
