Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
