Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
