Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize