Your face is a jimmy john
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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