I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
