He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
