the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
