he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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