You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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