i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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