i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
