I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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