So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
