Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
