woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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