Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
