OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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